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Literature Text
~ACT I~
~Toulon, 1815~
CONVICTS- LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives SUCK!
VALJEAN- Tell me about it… 19 freaking years for doing the right thing…
JAVERT- I really hate you. But you get parole now.
VALJEAN: Yay! MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEAN!
JAVERT: Whatever. I've got my eyes on you, buddy.
FARMER: You're fired.
VALJEAN: *sigh* Okay then…
INKEEPER'S WIFE: Go away.
VALJEAN: Fine, geez. [Sits down, all dejected.] Well, this sucks.
BISHOP: Here, take advantage of my hospitality and by all means, steal my stuff!
VALJEAN: Alrighty then! [Steals cup]
COPS: Who stole your cup?
BISHOP: [Points at Valjean] Definitely not this guy.
COPS: [Shrug and walk away]
BISHOP: [Gives Valjean the candlesticks] And while you're at it, take these too, you assho- Ahem, I mean, go and the Lord's blessing be upon you.
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Time to go be a good person.
~Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1823~
THE POOR: AT THE END OF THE DAY! AT THE END OF THE DAY! Our lives SUCK!
FANTINE: Tell me about it.
RANDOM WOMAN 1: The foreman's being particularly nasty today…
RANDOM WOMAN 2: Eh, he's just horny and desperate.
RANDOM WOMAN 1: [Grabs Fantine's letter] "Send us money, blah blah blah, your kid needs a doctor…" Hey boss! Fantine's a slut!
FOREMAN: Oh Fantine, I want you so much- Ahem, I mean, you're fired.
FANTINE: *sob* I DREAMED A DREEEEEEAM…of a life that didn't SUCK.
WHORES: STANDING-UP-OR-LYING-DOWN-OR-ANY-WAY-AT-ALL!
FANTINE: Eew…
RANDOM WHORE: Eh, you're no better than the rest of us, kid. Care to join us?
FANTINE: Alrighty, then!
BAMATABOIS: Sleep with me!
FANTINE: Eew…
BAMATABOIS: [Whacks her with a walking stick] SLEEP WITH ME! [Sees Javert] Officer! Arrest her! She rejected- Ahem, I mean, she attacked me!
JAVERT: You're under arrest!
FANTINE: But…but…my daughter!
JAVERT: Shut up. This is Les Misérables, and we don't care about children in this play.
GAVROCHE: Tell me about it….
CROWD: LOOK OUT! It's a conveniently-timed runaway cart!
FAUCHELEVANT: Oh, crap…
VALJEAN: [Rescues him]
FAUCHELEVANT: Bless you, sir!
JAVERT: Hrmm, you look awful familiar.
VALJEAN: [Nervous laughter] Oh, really? Imagine that…
JAVERT: Eh, nevermind. Guess not. Anyway, I just caught the bastard, and his trial is conveniently today! You should drop by!
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Oh well, only one thing to do… [Appears in front of court, dramatically rips open shirt] I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
COURT: Aagh! IT'S HIDEOUS!
VALJEAN: [Closes shirt sheepishly and flees the scene]
FANTINE: [Dying pathetically in a bed] Cosette…?
VALJEAN: No! I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
FANTINE: Oh…So you're the bastard who let me get fired…
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! I shall care for your Cosette!
FANTINE: Yeah, you'd better… [dies]
JAVERT: YOOOOU!
VALJEAN: Hey, buddy, think of the kid…
JAVERT: I TOLD you, we don't CARE about CHILDREN in this play! You're under arrest.
VALJEAN: [Rolling up sleeves] Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way…
JAVERT: Bring it.
VALJEAN: [Knocks him out and runs for his life]
YOUNG COSETTE: *sobs* SOMEBODY LOVE ME!
MME. THENARDIER: SHUT UP, YOU!
THENARDIER: I'm just a dirty rotten bastard, aren't I?
DRINKERS: Yes, you are!
MME. THENARDIER: YES, YOU ARE.
THENARDIER: I'll drink to that.
DRINKERS: So will we!
VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…
VALJEAN: You are terrible people.
THE THENARDIERS: Why yes, we are!
VALJEAN: Come on, Cosette.
COSETTE: Yay!
VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…
~Paris, 1832 [Not a good year to be a Parisian!]~
BEGGARS: LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives suck!
ENJOLRAS: They won't for long!
MARIUS: Not if we have anything to do with it!
GAVROCHE: LONG LIVE US!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO ALREADY KNOW THE STORY: [Cringe at the irony of the previous line]
THENARDIER: Let's go rob a house!
ROBBERS: YAY!
MARIUS: Eponine, you're my best friend in the whole wide world!
EPONINE: Well that's good, because I love y-
MARIUS: Yeah, whatever.
EPONINE: *sigh*
MME. THENARDIER: Time to go rob a house, Eponine!
MARIUS: What…?
EPONINE: STAY OUT OF THIS! [Runs away]
MARIUS: Oh, well… [Bumps into Cosette, and from the strings section immediately comes a sappy, swelling, romantic melody]
AUDIENCE: Huh, three guesses what happens next…
MARIUS: Forgive me, I did not see you there. [As she walks away] You know, I think I may just be madly and eternally in love with her.
THENARDIER: Hey, I remember you!
VALJEAN: *Nervous laughter* Heh heh, no you don't…
EPONINE: RUN! It's Javert!
VALJEAN: Okay, I'm outta here.
JAVERT: There will be JUSTICE! And YOU will ROT in HELL! I swear it by the STARS!
MARIUS: So guess what?
EPONINE: What?
MARIUS: Two minutes ago I saw some random girl, and now I'm madly and eternally in love with her.
EPONINE: [Trying not to cry] Well that's just…great. *sniff*
MARIUS: Will you find her for me, bestest friend in the whole wide world? [Gives her a coin]
EPONINE: [Hands him the coin] You can just take this and shove it up your…Ahem, I mean…I can't accept this.
MARIUS: [Pouts] Pretty please?
EPONINE: *Sigh* On my way. [Once out of earshot] …Cosette can go die in a ditch….
ENJOLRAS: ANARCHY! REVOLUTION! JUSTICE SCREAMING FOR SOLUTION!
JOLY: …Uh, wrong musical…
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU! Marius, you're late.
GRANTAIRE: Ooh, somebody's in looooove!
MARIUS: [Nods dreamily]
ENJOLRAS: Eew, with a GIRL? That's it, you're out of the club- Ahem, I mean…focus, people. Revolution.
MARIUS: …but she was so hot…
ENJOLRAS: FOCUS.
STUDENTS: REVOLUTION!
GAVROCHE: General Lamarque is dead!
ENJOLRAS: Time to go kill some imperialist bitches. WHO'S WITH ME?
STUDENTS: Yay! DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SING!
COSETTE: Huh…That guy who almost bowled me over earlier…I think I might just be madly and eternally in love with him. And Papa, please tell me all of the deep, dark secrets of your past.
VALJEAN: No.
MARIUS: There she is! IN MY LIIIIIFE SHE HAS BURST LIKE THE MUSIC OF ANGELS, THE LIGHT OF THE SUUUUN!
EPONINE: [gags]
MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!
EPONINE: …Whatever. [Once out of earshot] I hope she gets fat and that all your children are ugly.
MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE!
MARIUS: *contented sigh* This is great.
COSETTE: I know, right?
MARIUS: What's your name, by the way?
COSETTE: Cosette.
MARIUS: Oh, nice to meet you. Now where were we?
MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEEART FULL OF YOOOOOOU!
EPONINE: Is no one else seeing the ridiculousness of this! [Sees Montparnasse] *Nervous laughter* Oh, so you guys are gonna rob this house…
THENARDIER: That was the plan.
EPONINE: Not anymore. I'm gonna scream.
THENARDIER: Do it and die, kid.
EPONINE: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
THENARDIER: Why you little… [Flees]
MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!
EPONINE: [Grumbling] Yeah, yeah…
VALJEAN: What the hell's going on?
COSETTE: Sinister shadows beyond the wall!
VALJEAN: Oh crap. My Javert-senses are tingling…
EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MORE…
ENJOLRAS: …until revolution!
EPONINE: …on my own.
VALJEAN: …until he finds me.
MARIUS AND COSETTE: …until our one-day anniversary.
JAVERT: …until I betray them all.
THE THENARDIERS: …until everybody DIES.
AUDIENCE: Ain't that the truth...
EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MOOOOOOORE!
~End Act I~
~ACT II~
~The next day~
ENJOLRAS: So how many are we up against?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Twenty five thousand, approximately…
ENJOLRAS: WHAT? How do you know that?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Well I don't. But the author just checked Wikipedia…
ENJOLRAS: [A bit faintly] Oh. Um. [gulps] Wow.
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: And eight hundred casualties, give or take.
ENJOLRAS: Oh shit, we're all gonna die—Ahem, I mean, do me a favor, would you?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Sure.
ENJOLRAS: Don't...uh…don't mention that to anyone else, okay? Historical facts aren't exactly good for everyone's morale right about now.
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Uh, sure. But just so you know, we're all screwed.
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU.
JAVERT: [In disguise] Heh, I'm so sneaky.
EPONINE: [Also in disguise] So am I!
MARIUS: No, you're really not. Get the hell out of here, you moron.
EPONINE: [Giggles] You really like me, don't you?
MARIUS: Sure, whatever. Here, bring this to Cosette. [Hands her a letter]
EPONINE: What for?
MARIUS: Because in the twelve or so hours we've been apart I'm sure she's forgotten that I exist.
EPONINE: [rolls eyes] Oh, I'm sure… [to Valjean] Here's a letter for your daughter from a boy at the barricade…Ahem, I mean a love letter from her soulmate at the barricade…that she just met yesterday, by the way.
VALJEAN: [Takes letter] Oh, this oughta be good.
EPONINE: Oh yes. Have fun with that. [Walks away]
AUDIENCE: [becomes misty-eyed at the sweet tenderness of Marius' words as Valjean reads the letter aloud]
VALJEAN: So…going behind my back and doing God-knows-what with my daughter… I'll kill the bastard—Ahem, I mean…I wish them many years of bliss.
EPONINE: So I wander the slums of Paris at night all alone with an imaginary Marius. Is that weird?
CRAZYBEAGLE: It's dangerous, creepy, and borderline schizophrenic, honey. But every scorned woman in the audience feels your pain.
EPONINE: Who are you?
CRAZYBEAGLE: That's none of your concern. Now back to the story…
STUDENTS: Yay! The barricade is finished!
ENJOLRAS: Yup. And I want you all to overlook the fact that it's really not much more than a pile of random wooden crap, because it makes for one friggin' awesome set piece.
STUDENTS: Yay!
ARMY OFFICER: YOU AT THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS! YOU'RE ALL SCREWED!
SAME RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY FROM BEFORE: See, I told you…
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU. Damn their warnings, damn their lies!
STUDENTS: Yay!
JAVERT: [Still in disguise] So they're gonna starve us out, then attack from the right…
GAVROCHE: LIAR. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to INSPECTOR JAVERT!
GRANTAIRE: Nicely done, Gavroche. And because we're so darn proud of you, we're not even going to question the fact that there's a small child on the barricade with us when it's going to be raining bullets up here in a matter of minutes.
PROUVAIRE: So, what should we do to him?
ENJOLRAS: The people will decide.
THE PEOPLE: Mwahaha…
JAVERT: Do what you will, but I SNEER in your general direction.
MARIUS: I told you to go home, you idiot. But as long as you're here, did you deliver the…
EPONINE: Yeah. You're welcome.
MARIUS: [Sees she's hurt] Uh, are you okay?
EPONINE: Oh, I'm just fine- [collapses]
MARIUS: [catches her] No, you're not. You're, um, bleeding profusely.
EPONINE: …And you're touching me! [Sighs dreamily]
MARIUS: …And you're severely injured.
EPONINE: ...And you're still touching me!
MARIUS: …And I think you're dying.
EPONINE: …Oh…so I am…but you're still touching me! [Dies]
MARIUS: …Wow. Now that she's gone, I kind of feel like a jerk... [Kisses her]
ENJOLRAS: No time for that right now! Back to business!
MARIUS: [Drops Eponine's body] Okay, then!
ENJOLRAS: And now that we have a casualty, we have an excuse to kick their sorry asses!
REBELS: Yay!
JOLY: Who are you?
VALJEAN: I AM JEAN VALJ—Ahem, I mean, I'm here to help.
JOLY: But you're obscenely old.
VALJEAN: So I am. But I can do THIS! [Shoots a sniper who is trying to shoot Enjorlas]
ENJOLRAS: All right! Welcome to the club.
VALJEAN: Give me the spy Javert!
ENJOLRAS: Give him to you…for what, exactly?
VALJEAN: Wouldn't you like to know…
ENJOLRAS: No, I wouldn't, actually. But go on ahead.
VALJEAN: Get out of here.
JAVERT: Hmph. I SNEER at your mercy. [But flees anyway]
JOLY: [Moderately intoxicated] Here's to…to…hot girls we've slept with.
GRANTAIRE: Uh-huh. And to not getting killed tomorrow.
REBELS: Cheers.
VALJEAN: BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME!
MARIUS: You DO know it's hard to sleep when you're singing like that…
VALJEAN: You shoulda thought of that before you started sneaking off with my daughter. BRING HIM HOOOOOOOOOOOME!
ENJORLAS: …Wow. We really are screwed.
FEUILLY: [Now very drunk] Well…here's to us being screwed.
REBELS: Cheers.
FEUILLY: We need ammo.
MARIUS: I'll get it!
ENJOLRAS: Uh, no.
VALJEAN: I'll get it!
GAVROCHE: I'll get it, you slowpokes!
CRAZYBEAGLE: Insert Gavroche's death here, because I can't and won't make fun of that.
ARMY OFFICER: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
ENJORLAS: Okay people, listen up. New plan. We're all gonna die, so let's die as epically as possible, got it?
REBELS: Yay! …Wait, what?
MARIUS: [Gets shot] …Ow. [Collapses]
ENJOLRAS: [Gets shot] …Dammit. Eh, might as well make it look awesome. [Splays himself out on the flag melodramatically and dies]
STUDENTS: [All get shot, and die in exaggerated slow motion as the audience resists the urge to roll their eyes]
VALJEAN: [Looking around at the pile 'o bodies] Huh. This is not good. [Sees Marius] Oh, crap...
MARIUS: … [Translation: "Ouch..."]
VALJEAN: Well, Cosette will never forgive me if I just let you rot here. [Opens the sewer hatch, climbs in, and flops Marius around quite comically while trying to lift him into the sewers]
MARIUS: … [Translation: "OUCH. Stop that."]
VALJEAN: [Struggling to carry Marius] Ugh, after all this, this boy BETTER make all of Cosette's wildest dreams come true… [Drops Marius unceremoniously and collapses]
MARIUS: …urgh… [Translation: "Are you TRYING to kill me?"]
THENARDIER: [Steals Marius' ring] I'm just gonna take this, if you don't mind… Of COURSE you don't mind! 'Cause you're DEAD! AHAHAHA!
VALJEAN: Back off! He's MINE!
MARIUS: … [Translation: "What exactly do you mean by that…?"]
JAVERT: YOOOOOOOU!
VALJEAN: [Exasperated sigh] Really?
JAVERT: Yes, really.
VALJEAN: Can we do this later?
JAVERT: NOOOO!
VALJEAN: Do you not SEE this dying guy right here?
MARIUS: … [Translation: "Yeah, what he said."]
JAVERT: Ugh…fine. But I'll be waiting for you, 24601!
VALJEAN: No, MY NAME IS JEAN VAL- Eh, never mind. [Flees]
JAVERT: AAAGH! I cannot LIVE in a world where people show MERCY! Ha ha, THIS will show him… [Flings himself into the river Seine] Glub glub glub… [Translation: "On second thought, maybe this wasn't such a good idea…"]
PARISIAN WOMEN: [Looking at the dead students] Huh, look at that, they're all dead! Serves the morons right…
MARIUS: They're all dead, and I'm not… AUGH! THE GUILT!
GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [Stare him down]
MARIUS: Hey, don't look at me. [Points at ghost of Enjorlas] Just because I've got massive survivor's guilt doesn't mean it was my fault.
GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [All heads turn to glare menacingly at ghost of Enjolras]
GHOST OF ENJOLRAS: [Nervous laughter] Heh heh heh, you didn't have to listen to me, y'know.
COSETTE: Serenade me, Marius!
MARIUS: Okay!
COSETTE AND MARIUS: A HEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE…
MARIUS: I WAS LOST IN YOUR SPEEEEELL—ugh…ow…
COSETTE: What?
MARIUS: On second thought, maybe attempting to loudly serenade you when I'm recovering from serious bullet wounds isn't such a good idea…I think I popped some stitches…
COSETTE: SERENADE ME, DAMMIT.
MARIUS: [Cowers] Uh…okay then…A-a h-heart full of yooooou…
COSETTE: That's better.
VALJEAN: Ah, young love. Oh, by the way, Marius…
MARIUS: Yeah?
VALJEAN: I'm an ex-convict, Cosette isn't really my daughter, and I'm leaving forever because that's what's best for her.
MARIUS: What…?
VALJEAN: Yup. And it's up to you to think up some reasonable explanation for my sudden and mysterious departure. [Flees]
MARIUS: Uh…okay?
WEDDING CHORUS: YAY! Finally a couple with a happy ending!
MARIUS: Yeah, except for the massive emotional baggage I'm bound to have for the rest of my life.
COSETTE: Yeah, except for the fact that I'm stuck with a guy who's bound to have massive emotional baggage for the rest of his life. Not to mention the sudden and mysterious departure of my father.
THE THENARDIERS: [In disguise] Heh, we're so sneaky.
MARIUS: No, you're really not. Go away. You're terrible people.
THE THENARDIERS: Why yes. Yes we are. But we've got dirt on Valjean.
MARIUS: Okay…
THENARDIER: I took this from some guy he killed. [Shows Marius his ring]
MARIUS: So Valjean saved me! And stealing stuff off people who aren't really dead is very rude.
THENARDIER: So it is. Pay up, boy.
MARIUS: [Throws money at him and punches him.]
THENARDIER: Ow. Ah well, at least we got your money. See you all in hell! [Flees]
VALJEAN: …So at this point, I serve no real purpose in the play anymore. Might as well will myself to die now!
GHOST OF FANTINE: Okay, so I forgive you for letting me get fired and thus ruining the remainder of my life, because Cosette turned out okay. Are you ready to die now?
VALJEAN: Certainly!
COSETTE: What? No!
MARIUS: SIR, I OWE YOU MY LIFE, THANK YOU SO MUCH-
VALJEAN: [Ignoring Marius completely] Oh Cosette! You're here! Now I can die happy!
COSETTE: What? No!
VALJEAN: Here, let me write down the story of my past for you, because I plan to be conveniently dead before I have to undergo the awkwardness of actually explaining it to you…
GHOSTS OF FANTINE AND EPONINE: Ahem, we don't have all day. Are you ready to die now?
VALJEAN: Yes!
VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE: TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD…
GHOST OF EPONINE: [Glares at Marius] Actually, that depends.
GHOST OF FANTINE: That's because you were stalking him, dear. There's a difference. Now, are we ready?
VALJEAN: Yes! [Dies]
CAST: DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SIIIIIIIIING!
AUDIENCE: [Weeping and applauding]
THE END!
~Toulon, 1815~
CONVICTS- LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives SUCK!
VALJEAN- Tell me about it… 19 freaking years for doing the right thing…
JAVERT- I really hate you. But you get parole now.
VALJEAN: Yay! MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEAN!
JAVERT: Whatever. I've got my eyes on you, buddy.
FARMER: You're fired.
VALJEAN: *sigh* Okay then…
INKEEPER'S WIFE: Go away.
VALJEAN: Fine, geez. [Sits down, all dejected.] Well, this sucks.
BISHOP: Here, take advantage of my hospitality and by all means, steal my stuff!
VALJEAN: Alrighty then! [Steals cup]
COPS: Who stole your cup?
BISHOP: [Points at Valjean] Definitely not this guy.
COPS: [Shrug and walk away]
BISHOP: [Gives Valjean the candlesticks] And while you're at it, take these too, you assho- Ahem, I mean, go and the Lord's blessing be upon you.
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Time to go be a good person.
~Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1823~
THE POOR: AT THE END OF THE DAY! AT THE END OF THE DAY! Our lives SUCK!
FANTINE: Tell me about it.
RANDOM WOMAN 1: The foreman's being particularly nasty today…
RANDOM WOMAN 2: Eh, he's just horny and desperate.
RANDOM WOMAN 1: [Grabs Fantine's letter] "Send us money, blah blah blah, your kid needs a doctor…" Hey boss! Fantine's a slut!
FOREMAN: Oh Fantine, I want you so much- Ahem, I mean, you're fired.
FANTINE: *sob* I DREAMED A DREEEEEEAM…of a life that didn't SUCK.
WHORES: STANDING-UP-OR-LYING-DOWN-OR-ANY-WAY-AT-ALL!
FANTINE: Eew…
RANDOM WHORE: Eh, you're no better than the rest of us, kid. Care to join us?
FANTINE: Alrighty, then!
BAMATABOIS: Sleep with me!
FANTINE: Eew…
BAMATABOIS: [Whacks her with a walking stick] SLEEP WITH ME! [Sees Javert] Officer! Arrest her! She rejected- Ahem, I mean, she attacked me!
JAVERT: You're under arrest!
FANTINE: But…but…my daughter!
JAVERT: Shut up. This is Les Misérables, and we don't care about children in this play.
GAVROCHE: Tell me about it….
CROWD: LOOK OUT! It's a conveniently-timed runaway cart!
FAUCHELEVANT: Oh, crap…
VALJEAN: [Rescues him]
FAUCHELEVANT: Bless you, sir!
JAVERT: Hrmm, you look awful familiar.
VALJEAN: [Nervous laughter] Oh, really? Imagine that…
JAVERT: Eh, nevermind. Guess not. Anyway, I just caught the bastard, and his trial is conveniently today! You should drop by!
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Oh well, only one thing to do… [Appears in front of court, dramatically rips open shirt] I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
COURT: Aagh! IT'S HIDEOUS!
VALJEAN: [Closes shirt sheepishly and flees the scene]
FANTINE: [Dying pathetically in a bed] Cosette…?
VALJEAN: No! I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
FANTINE: Oh…So you're the bastard who let me get fired…
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! I shall care for your Cosette!
FANTINE: Yeah, you'd better… [dies]
JAVERT: YOOOOU!
VALJEAN: Hey, buddy, think of the kid…
JAVERT: I TOLD you, we don't CARE about CHILDREN in this play! You're under arrest.
VALJEAN: [Rolling up sleeves] Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way…
JAVERT: Bring it.
VALJEAN: [Knocks him out and runs for his life]
YOUNG COSETTE: *sobs* SOMEBODY LOVE ME!
MME. THENARDIER: SHUT UP, YOU!
THENARDIER: I'm just a dirty rotten bastard, aren't I?
DRINKERS: Yes, you are!
MME. THENARDIER: YES, YOU ARE.
THENARDIER: I'll drink to that.
DRINKERS: So will we!
VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…
VALJEAN: You are terrible people.
THE THENARDIERS: Why yes, we are!
VALJEAN: Come on, Cosette.
COSETTE: Yay!
VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…
~Paris, 1832 [Not a good year to be a Parisian!]~
BEGGARS: LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives suck!
ENJOLRAS: They won't for long!
MARIUS: Not if we have anything to do with it!
GAVROCHE: LONG LIVE US!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO ALREADY KNOW THE STORY: [Cringe at the irony of the previous line]
THENARDIER: Let's go rob a house!
ROBBERS: YAY!
MARIUS: Eponine, you're my best friend in the whole wide world!
EPONINE: Well that's good, because I love y-
MARIUS: Yeah, whatever.
EPONINE: *sigh*
MME. THENARDIER: Time to go rob a house, Eponine!
MARIUS: What…?
EPONINE: STAY OUT OF THIS! [Runs away]
MARIUS: Oh, well… [Bumps into Cosette, and from the strings section immediately comes a sappy, swelling, romantic melody]
AUDIENCE: Huh, three guesses what happens next…
MARIUS: Forgive me, I did not see you there. [As she walks away] You know, I think I may just be madly and eternally in love with her.
THENARDIER: Hey, I remember you!
VALJEAN: *Nervous laughter* Heh heh, no you don't…
EPONINE: RUN! It's Javert!
VALJEAN: Okay, I'm outta here.
JAVERT: There will be JUSTICE! And YOU will ROT in HELL! I swear it by the STARS!
MARIUS: So guess what?
EPONINE: What?
MARIUS: Two minutes ago I saw some random girl, and now I'm madly and eternally in love with her.
EPONINE: [Trying not to cry] Well that's just…great. *sniff*
MARIUS: Will you find her for me, bestest friend in the whole wide world? [Gives her a coin]
EPONINE: [Hands him the coin] You can just take this and shove it up your…Ahem, I mean…I can't accept this.
MARIUS: [Pouts] Pretty please?
EPONINE: *Sigh* On my way. [Once out of earshot] …Cosette can go die in a ditch….
ENJOLRAS: ANARCHY! REVOLUTION! JUSTICE SCREAMING FOR SOLUTION!
JOLY: …Uh, wrong musical…
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU! Marius, you're late.
GRANTAIRE: Ooh, somebody's in looooove!
MARIUS: [Nods dreamily]
ENJOLRAS: Eew, with a GIRL? That's it, you're out of the club- Ahem, I mean…focus, people. Revolution.
MARIUS: …but she was so hot…
ENJOLRAS: FOCUS.
STUDENTS: REVOLUTION!
GAVROCHE: General Lamarque is dead!
ENJOLRAS: Time to go kill some imperialist bitches. WHO'S WITH ME?
STUDENTS: Yay! DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SING!
COSETTE: Huh…That guy who almost bowled me over earlier…I think I might just be madly and eternally in love with him. And Papa, please tell me all of the deep, dark secrets of your past.
VALJEAN: No.
MARIUS: There she is! IN MY LIIIIIFE SHE HAS BURST LIKE THE MUSIC OF ANGELS, THE LIGHT OF THE SUUUUN!
EPONINE: [gags]
MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!
EPONINE: …Whatever. [Once out of earshot] I hope she gets fat and that all your children are ugly.
MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE!
MARIUS: *contented sigh* This is great.
COSETTE: I know, right?
MARIUS: What's your name, by the way?
COSETTE: Cosette.
MARIUS: Oh, nice to meet you. Now where were we?
MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEEART FULL OF YOOOOOOU!
EPONINE: Is no one else seeing the ridiculousness of this! [Sees Montparnasse] *Nervous laughter* Oh, so you guys are gonna rob this house…
THENARDIER: That was the plan.
EPONINE: Not anymore. I'm gonna scream.
THENARDIER: Do it and die, kid.
EPONINE: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
THENARDIER: Why you little… [Flees]
MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!
EPONINE: [Grumbling] Yeah, yeah…
VALJEAN: What the hell's going on?
COSETTE: Sinister shadows beyond the wall!
VALJEAN: Oh crap. My Javert-senses are tingling…
EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MORE…
ENJOLRAS: …until revolution!
EPONINE: …on my own.
VALJEAN: …until he finds me.
MARIUS AND COSETTE: …until our one-day anniversary.
JAVERT: …until I betray them all.
THE THENARDIERS: …until everybody DIES.
AUDIENCE: Ain't that the truth...
EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MOOOOOOORE!
~End Act I~
~ACT II~
~The next day~
ENJOLRAS: So how many are we up against?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Twenty five thousand, approximately…
ENJOLRAS: WHAT? How do you know that?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Well I don't. But the author just checked Wikipedia…
ENJOLRAS: [A bit faintly] Oh. Um. [gulps] Wow.
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: And eight hundred casualties, give or take.
ENJOLRAS: Oh shit, we're all gonna die—Ahem, I mean, do me a favor, would you?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Sure.
ENJOLRAS: Don't...uh…don't mention that to anyone else, okay? Historical facts aren't exactly good for everyone's morale right about now.
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Uh, sure. But just so you know, we're all screwed.
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU.
JAVERT: [In disguise] Heh, I'm so sneaky.
EPONINE: [Also in disguise] So am I!
MARIUS: No, you're really not. Get the hell out of here, you moron.
EPONINE: [Giggles] You really like me, don't you?
MARIUS: Sure, whatever. Here, bring this to Cosette. [Hands her a letter]
EPONINE: What for?
MARIUS: Because in the twelve or so hours we've been apart I'm sure she's forgotten that I exist.
EPONINE: [rolls eyes] Oh, I'm sure… [to Valjean] Here's a letter for your daughter from a boy at the barricade…Ahem, I mean a love letter from her soulmate at the barricade…that she just met yesterday, by the way.
VALJEAN: [Takes letter] Oh, this oughta be good.
EPONINE: Oh yes. Have fun with that. [Walks away]
AUDIENCE: [becomes misty-eyed at the sweet tenderness of Marius' words as Valjean reads the letter aloud]
VALJEAN: So…going behind my back and doing God-knows-what with my daughter… I'll kill the bastard—Ahem, I mean…I wish them many years of bliss.
EPONINE: So I wander the slums of Paris at night all alone with an imaginary Marius. Is that weird?
CRAZYBEAGLE: It's dangerous, creepy, and borderline schizophrenic, honey. But every scorned woman in the audience feels your pain.
EPONINE: Who are you?
CRAZYBEAGLE: That's none of your concern. Now back to the story…
STUDENTS: Yay! The barricade is finished!
ENJOLRAS: Yup. And I want you all to overlook the fact that it's really not much more than a pile of random wooden crap, because it makes for one friggin' awesome set piece.
STUDENTS: Yay!
ARMY OFFICER: YOU AT THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS! YOU'RE ALL SCREWED!
SAME RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY FROM BEFORE: See, I told you…
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU. Damn their warnings, damn their lies!
STUDENTS: Yay!
JAVERT: [Still in disguise] So they're gonna starve us out, then attack from the right…
GAVROCHE: LIAR. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to INSPECTOR JAVERT!
GRANTAIRE: Nicely done, Gavroche. And because we're so darn proud of you, we're not even going to question the fact that there's a small child on the barricade with us when it's going to be raining bullets up here in a matter of minutes.
PROUVAIRE: So, what should we do to him?
ENJOLRAS: The people will decide.
THE PEOPLE: Mwahaha…
JAVERT: Do what you will, but I SNEER in your general direction.
MARIUS: I told you to go home, you idiot. But as long as you're here, did you deliver the…
EPONINE: Yeah. You're welcome.
MARIUS: [Sees she's hurt] Uh, are you okay?
EPONINE: Oh, I'm just fine- [collapses]
MARIUS: [catches her] No, you're not. You're, um, bleeding profusely.
EPONINE: …And you're touching me! [Sighs dreamily]
MARIUS: …And you're severely injured.
EPONINE: ...And you're still touching me!
MARIUS: …And I think you're dying.
EPONINE: …Oh…so I am…but you're still touching me! [Dies]
MARIUS: …Wow. Now that she's gone, I kind of feel like a jerk... [Kisses her]
ENJOLRAS: No time for that right now! Back to business!
MARIUS: [Drops Eponine's body] Okay, then!
ENJOLRAS: And now that we have a casualty, we have an excuse to kick their sorry asses!
REBELS: Yay!
JOLY: Who are you?
VALJEAN: I AM JEAN VALJ—Ahem, I mean, I'm here to help.
JOLY: But you're obscenely old.
VALJEAN: So I am. But I can do THIS! [Shoots a sniper who is trying to shoot Enjorlas]
ENJOLRAS: All right! Welcome to the club.
VALJEAN: Give me the spy Javert!
ENJOLRAS: Give him to you…for what, exactly?
VALJEAN: Wouldn't you like to know…
ENJOLRAS: No, I wouldn't, actually. But go on ahead.
VALJEAN: Get out of here.
JAVERT: Hmph. I SNEER at your mercy. [But flees anyway]
JOLY: [Moderately intoxicated] Here's to…to…hot girls we've slept with.
GRANTAIRE: Uh-huh. And to not getting killed tomorrow.
REBELS: Cheers.
VALJEAN: BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME!
MARIUS: You DO know it's hard to sleep when you're singing like that…
VALJEAN: You shoulda thought of that before you started sneaking off with my daughter. BRING HIM HOOOOOOOOOOOME!
ENJORLAS: …Wow. We really are screwed.
FEUILLY: [Now very drunk] Well…here's to us being screwed.
REBELS: Cheers.
FEUILLY: We need ammo.
MARIUS: I'll get it!
ENJOLRAS: Uh, no.
VALJEAN: I'll get it!
GAVROCHE: I'll get it, you slowpokes!
CRAZYBEAGLE: Insert Gavroche's death here, because I can't and won't make fun of that.
ARMY OFFICER: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
ENJORLAS: Okay people, listen up. New plan. We're all gonna die, so let's die as epically as possible, got it?
REBELS: Yay! …Wait, what?
MARIUS: [Gets shot] …Ow. [Collapses]
ENJOLRAS: [Gets shot] …Dammit. Eh, might as well make it look awesome. [Splays himself out on the flag melodramatically and dies]
STUDENTS: [All get shot, and die in exaggerated slow motion as the audience resists the urge to roll their eyes]
VALJEAN: [Looking around at the pile 'o bodies] Huh. This is not good. [Sees Marius] Oh, crap...
MARIUS: … [Translation: "Ouch..."]
VALJEAN: Well, Cosette will never forgive me if I just let you rot here. [Opens the sewer hatch, climbs in, and flops Marius around quite comically while trying to lift him into the sewers]
MARIUS: … [Translation: "OUCH. Stop that."]
VALJEAN: [Struggling to carry Marius] Ugh, after all this, this boy BETTER make all of Cosette's wildest dreams come true… [Drops Marius unceremoniously and collapses]
MARIUS: …urgh… [Translation: "Are you TRYING to kill me?"]
THENARDIER: [Steals Marius' ring] I'm just gonna take this, if you don't mind… Of COURSE you don't mind! 'Cause you're DEAD! AHAHAHA!
VALJEAN: Back off! He's MINE!
MARIUS: … [Translation: "What exactly do you mean by that…?"]
JAVERT: YOOOOOOOU!
VALJEAN: [Exasperated sigh] Really?
JAVERT: Yes, really.
VALJEAN: Can we do this later?
JAVERT: NOOOO!
VALJEAN: Do you not SEE this dying guy right here?
MARIUS: … [Translation: "Yeah, what he said."]
JAVERT: Ugh…fine. But I'll be waiting for you, 24601!
VALJEAN: No, MY NAME IS JEAN VAL- Eh, never mind. [Flees]
JAVERT: AAAGH! I cannot LIVE in a world where people show MERCY! Ha ha, THIS will show him… [Flings himself into the river Seine] Glub glub glub… [Translation: "On second thought, maybe this wasn't such a good idea…"]
PARISIAN WOMEN: [Looking at the dead students] Huh, look at that, they're all dead! Serves the morons right…
MARIUS: They're all dead, and I'm not… AUGH! THE GUILT!
GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [Stare him down]
MARIUS: Hey, don't look at me. [Points at ghost of Enjorlas] Just because I've got massive survivor's guilt doesn't mean it was my fault.
GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [All heads turn to glare menacingly at ghost of Enjolras]
GHOST OF ENJOLRAS: [Nervous laughter] Heh heh heh, you didn't have to listen to me, y'know.
COSETTE: Serenade me, Marius!
MARIUS: Okay!
COSETTE AND MARIUS: A HEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE…
MARIUS: I WAS LOST IN YOUR SPEEEEELL—ugh…ow…
COSETTE: What?
MARIUS: On second thought, maybe attempting to loudly serenade you when I'm recovering from serious bullet wounds isn't such a good idea…I think I popped some stitches…
COSETTE: SERENADE ME, DAMMIT.
MARIUS: [Cowers] Uh…okay then…A-a h-heart full of yooooou…
COSETTE: That's better.
VALJEAN: Ah, young love. Oh, by the way, Marius…
MARIUS: Yeah?
VALJEAN: I'm an ex-convict, Cosette isn't really my daughter, and I'm leaving forever because that's what's best for her.
MARIUS: What…?
VALJEAN: Yup. And it's up to you to think up some reasonable explanation for my sudden and mysterious departure. [Flees]
MARIUS: Uh…okay?
WEDDING CHORUS: YAY! Finally a couple with a happy ending!
MARIUS: Yeah, except for the massive emotional baggage I'm bound to have for the rest of my life.
COSETTE: Yeah, except for the fact that I'm stuck with a guy who's bound to have massive emotional baggage for the rest of his life. Not to mention the sudden and mysterious departure of my father.
THE THENARDIERS: [In disguise] Heh, we're so sneaky.
MARIUS: No, you're really not. Go away. You're terrible people.
THE THENARDIERS: Why yes. Yes we are. But we've got dirt on Valjean.
MARIUS: Okay…
THENARDIER: I took this from some guy he killed. [Shows Marius his ring]
MARIUS: So Valjean saved me! And stealing stuff off people who aren't really dead is very rude.
THENARDIER: So it is. Pay up, boy.
MARIUS: [Throws money at him and punches him.]
THENARDIER: Ow. Ah well, at least we got your money. See you all in hell! [Flees]
VALJEAN: …So at this point, I serve no real purpose in the play anymore. Might as well will myself to die now!
GHOST OF FANTINE: Okay, so I forgive you for letting me get fired and thus ruining the remainder of my life, because Cosette turned out okay. Are you ready to die now?
VALJEAN: Certainly!
COSETTE: What? No!
MARIUS: SIR, I OWE YOU MY LIFE, THANK YOU SO MUCH-
VALJEAN: [Ignoring Marius completely] Oh Cosette! You're here! Now I can die happy!
COSETTE: What? No!
VALJEAN: Here, let me write down the story of my past for you, because I plan to be conveniently dead before I have to undergo the awkwardness of actually explaining it to you…
GHOSTS OF FANTINE AND EPONINE: Ahem, we don't have all day. Are you ready to die now?
VALJEAN: Yes!
VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE: TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD…
GHOST OF EPONINE: [Glares at Marius] Actually, that depends.
GHOST OF FANTINE: That's because you were stalking him, dear. There's a difference. Now, are we ready?
VALJEAN: Yes! [Dies]
CAST: DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SIIIIIIIIING!
AUDIENCE: [Weeping and applauding]
THE END!
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Wrote this a long time ago. At the time I hadn't seen Les Miz onstage yet, so last year when I finally did, and cried my way through the whole second act, I felt like a massive jerk for having written this.
But hey.
But hey.
© 2011 - 2024 owletstarlet
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"Eew, with a GIRL? That's it, you're out of the club"
no one is straight in les amis confirmed.
no one is straight in les amis confirmed.